I was in Japan for the past week and a half. I spent the entire time either at my wife's house, outside my wife's house, driving to and from my wife's house, and once, doing something completely disassociated with my wife's house. Here are the top stories that got left on the cutting room floor of the Takahata Times.
Foreigner visits wife's family's house, feels comfortable
Takahata, Japan: In a surprise development last week, foreigner Buraian Guriin-san visited his family's house in Takahata, Yamagata Prefecture, Japan and felt comfortable throughout his entire visit. Oddsmakers the family over were predicting that the stay would be a tough one for Buraian-san, who rarely speaks Japanese anymore and doesn't usually get drunk on Nihonshu (日本酒 - Japanese sake) every night with dinner. However, he managed to feel pretty comfortable the entire time. "Yeah, it gets tough being asked to eat anything and everything all the time, and I certainly didn't understand much of what Rika's parents said, but you know, I just grunted a lot and made my 'Oh really' face and it all worked out," said Buraian-san. Rika added, "I am so impressed."
[Rika's house in Takahata -- far removed from internet, cable TV, and the rest of the 21st century]
Japanese Olympic Announcers as Entertaining as Majority of Events
Beijing, China: While
Usain Bolt breaking two world records was certainly the highlight of
the Olympic track and field coverage in Japan...on the track...the true
highlight of the Games came from listening to the Japanese announcers
scream their heads off. Whereas a 200m sprint can end in 19.30 seconds
(when Bolt is running, anyway), a Japanese announcer can go on
screaming things like, "Sekai shinkiroku! (世界新記録! - A new world record!)" and, "Subarashii taim wo hashirimashita! (素晴らしいタイムを走りました! - He ran a wonderful time!)" over and over again for minutes on end.
Chinese Women Gymnasts Win Due to Less Experience
Beijing, China: The Chinese women's gymnastics team kicked everyone's butts about as
hard as they can be kicked, so long as metaphors stay figurative.
However, after doing analysis on the Chinese team that included
"looking at them closely" and "wondering aloud", the international
butt-kickees on other teams declared they had determined the reason why
the Chinese team won so easily. "Obviously, they won because the
athletes are not yet 16 years old, which enabled them to enter the
competition with significantly less experience than athletes on other
teams," said head of US Gymnastics Ima Homer. "Our older, more
experienced athletes can't be expected to compete with that." USA
coach Connie Tre Dickson said the following, "Sadly, we expect this
behavior from China. But civilized countries [like USA] don't believe in submitting young kids to such pressures."
[The team of Chinese 12-year olds dominated due to their relative lack of experience.]
Parents-in-law Treat Foreigner as Japanese, Call Wife "Akusai" (悪妻)
Takahata, Japan: Despite his being a foreigner who does not generally think of his wife, Rika, as a terrible person, Buraian Guriin-san's in-laws let no opportunity pass to refer to his wife as akusai (bad wife). In a display of modesty heretofore unmatched within their town, Rika's mother made every effort to ensure that Buraian understood just how badly she'd raised her daughter. When she woke up later than him: "Akusai." When she woke up earlier than him: "Akusai." When she wanted to stay one more week to see her family longer instead of returning with him: "Akusai." Heck, she even said it when she caught a head cold and sneezed: "Akusai!" Obviously, if Rika weren't such a bad wife her mom wouldn't have worried herself sick that way.
Intrepid Foreigner Photographs Local Shrines, Feeds Local Black Flies
Takahata, Japan: On an evening assignment to photograph local Takahata shrines, intrepid photo-journalist Buraian Guriin-san not only took a total of maybe one or two good shots, he also took it upon himself to feed the local insect population. By wearing shorts instead of long pants, a lucky 35 buyo (ブヨ), or black flies, were afforded the opportunity to suckle from Guriin-san's delicious flesh. When asked for comment, Guriin-san said, "Sure it stinks to have my ankles swollen and to have my legs look like I just finished battling smallpox, but then again, as my mother-in-law was quick to point out, this never would have happened had I not chosen an akusai."
[This shrine, while apparently vacant from a distance, is home to a thriving black fly community.]
Foreigner Pours Green Tea on Family's Grave, Appeases Ancestors
Takahata, Japan: On a warm day during the Japanese Obon
(お盆) season, the Buraian Guriin-san paid respects to his wife's
deceased ancestors by placing incense, mochi (餅), grapes, tomatoes, flowers, and
various other foods on the family tombstone. However, the ancestors
were not appeased. Said one spirit of the Kaneko family, "Yeah, yeah,
that's great and all, but let's get to the good stuff." Guriin-san
then poured green tea on the grave and put his hands together in a
respectful manner. The spirits were appeased. "Yeah, that hit the
spot," they unanimously agreed.
Ikebana (生け花) Lesson Turns into Opportunity for Teacher to Do More Ikebana
Takahata, Japan: The ancient art of ikebana, or Japanese flower arrangement, has been practiced by teachers of ikebana for many centuries. Students, who know nothing and are incapable of understanding the intricacies that only teachers know, are not allowed to arrange their own flowers. In a recent ikebana lesson, student Nobuko Kaneko-san attempted to actually do ikebana herself, but the sharp eye of her teacher caught that her flowers were arranged completely wrong, and took it upon herself to correct the arrangement immediately. "You see, it has to look like this," said the teacher, Ms. Tadashii, removing a flower and putting it back in the exact same place. After Ms. Tadashii had successfully completed Ms. Kaneko's arrangement for her, she congratulated Ms. Kaneko on her beautiful display.
[Rika and her mom, Nobuko, sitting proudly in front of the ikebana arrangement the teacher made for this week's lesson.]
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